Look it was just for a minute. 3 minutes max. I could see them the whole time and my windows were cracked and the doors locked! My car even has an alarm! They were both sleeping! Everyone knows you do not wake a sleeping child! I didn’t think I needed to wake them up, drag them out of the car and lug them both into the 7-Eleven for a 3-minute errand. Do you know how many errands my Mom ran with me while I slept in the car? And I certainly wasn’t strapped into a car seat while she did it. I was probably lying on the floorboard with a can of Tab and an empty Virginia Slim carton. Things were so different back then. My Mom told me that until I was 11 months old I slept in a drawer! A drawer! Is that legal? Can I put my kids to sleep in a drawer? I can? Can I close the drawer? Listen I do not endanger my kids! I’m a good Mom. I love them, I feed them, I occasionally take them to music classes. What more do you want? Excuse me? What do I want for my last meal? This is ridiculous. But since you asked; broccoli. I want broccoli and ice cream. Yeah I know it sounds weird but have you ever nursed a baby after you’ve eaten broccoli and ice cream? Well..since I obviously won’t be nursing my baby tonight…
I hope I have enough frozen milk. Seriously how long is this going to take? Are you going to keep me overnight? Wait a minute. This could be good. I don’t need much. A cot and a blanket will be fine. Do you have a white noise machine? Oh man my boobs are getting full. I don’t suppose you have a breast pump lying around. I usually have mine with me. I carry it in a suitcase. It always looks like I’m headed to the airport! I wish! Do you have kids? Well congratulations, I hope the rest of her pregnancy goes well.
I’m gonna tell you a secret. Parenting is hard but you know what’s harder? CO-PARENTING! Holy fucking shit, excuse my language, but seriously, men and women were not meant to co-parent. Men were meant to go to work and women were meant to raise the kids. Not anymore, now men work from home and never leave the house! WTF? I can’t parent my kids while your milling around the house in your sweat pants. Go away. And let me tell you something, his way is never right. It just isn’t. If I left it to him the kids would never bathe, they would all have broken bones and the diaper genie would be overflowing! I had to give him an audio tour of the kid’s room, not to mention the kitchen. Here’s a hint: It’s not emptying the dishwasher if you just empty it onto the counter. And you don’t get credit for putting the kids clothes away if you put them away in the baby’s crib! I mean seriously does he even know what diapers.com is? NO! Because he’s never purchased a diaper in his life! Size 4, they wear size 4!
I’m sure your situation will be different. I mean you obviously don’t work from home so…I’m sorry, this is really upsetting me. I haven’t cried in a long time. Well that’s not true. I cried last week. Turns out you CAN actually cry over spilled milk. WHEN IT’S YOUR OWN! Remember in college when you bought a bag of coke and had it all cut up out on the mirror and your roommate came over and sneezed and within seconds you were down on the floor sniffing it from the carpet like a homeless dog behind a restaurant, remember that? No? C’mon, I won’t tell anyone. Well OK, me neither, this is obviously a hypothetical! But I IMAGINE this is what I looked like when I spilled 4 oz of freshly expressed breast milk in my office breakroom and my first instinct was to lick it off the counter. It took me 20 minutes to pump those 4 measly ounzes! 20 minutes! I’m a low producer. So low I have to take a pill to help boost my milk supply. It’s called Domperidone, no, it’s not champagne. Of course it’s legal, although I DO have to order it from Canada.
None of this would be a problem if I could just stay home with the kids! Look I’m all for women’s lib but my job is just a job not a passion. I do it for the health insurance and that pisses me off! There should be a health plan for stay at home moms! What is wrong with this country? I know I can buy my own plan but do you know how much it costs to cover me? Over $400 a month because in 1872 I had some skin cancer removed! Pre-existing bullshit! I just went back to work. 2 years I have been home with my kids, two years! It feels so weird. It’s hard. Not as hard as being with them 24-7 but different I guess. I feel so busy, like I am always trying to get somewhere. Just getting out of the house in the mornings is enough to make your head spin. And then when I do get to work I am always looking at the clock and feeling myself up. Is it time to pump, can I get away? And then I have to eat lunch at some point right? After lunch I gotta pump again and then, shit I gotta go so I can pick them up at daycare. I pick them up and then it’s play, dinner, bath, and God willing ni ni time. Holy shit just saying it out loud is exhausting me! I should take the bus, then maybe I could nap on my commute.
I miss them. I miss navigating through their day. Watching them discover things for the first time. I even miss the whining a little. At first I thought it was whining but now I realize it’s a little mantra: “I want it, I want it, I want it!” I think they're totally tapping into the power of manifestation. I mean let’s face it, every time they repeat this mantra they do in fact get whatever it is they want. Wise kids.
Are you gonna handcuff me at any point? I just had this thought that if you did it might actually make me feel sexy. I haven’t felt sexy in a long time. It’s hard to feel sexy when you’re still wearing maternity clothes. It’s been 9 months, well, 2 years and 9 months, what can I say?
Listen, don’t get sucked into all the latest fad toys OK. It will just cost you money and trust me, your kid will be happiest with a Tupperware bowl and a spatula. Have you seen the singamajig? The singamajig. No it’s called the singamajig! It’s a doll, it sings? Well, anyway, it’s bizarre! And it costs $13.99! But everyone raves about it. I bought one for each kid and it scares the shit out of them. $27.98 down the drain!
I promised myself I would NEVER say the things I’m about to say but listen to me very closely: Take trips, go to movies – 3 in one day if you can, eat breakfast in bed, sleep in, learn Japanese, do it all before your baby comes! I have never in my life wanted to pull off the 405 and run up one of those grassy green hills by the Skirball Center just for the hell of it, until now! Now that I CAN’T!!!
And there’s one more thing you should know: it’s not called babysitting if you are the dad! If you get that straight I think you’ll be OK.
Do I get a phone call?
